Friday, March 30, 2007

TFG: Food Critic

Having read An American Geisha for several months, I'm beginning to realize that their is more to eating than merely shoving food into the hole in the front of my head. Thus, I've written a restaurant review:

Yesterday, I had to go to pickup a required item for my new job from a store on Russell St. in Pigtown*. On the return trip back to I-83, I was driving down Washington Blvd, when I noticed Evelyn's Cafe & Coffeehouse (784 Washington Blvd, 21230). Evelyn's has a blog, which I followed a little bit before they opened. If I recall correctly, I asked about posting a menu and they told me that I'd just have to come in to see the it. Being the customer, and consequently always right, I concluded that I didn't need to go see the menu, after all. Business is business.**

Regardless, Evelyn's has seemed to flourish nicely without my patronage. Since I was already there and hungry, I decided to check it out. It was well after lunchtime, so I was surprised to see that the place was packed with customers. A couple was having a business meeting, another guy was enjoying lunch in a window seat, while a third gentleman was talking on his cell phone, while viewing some of the most depraved adult entertainment that I've ever seen on his laptop. Call me a prude, but the combination of midgets, elephants, lithium grease, and a catapult is just a little too excessive for my tastes. Other than that, the cafe was rather charming.

The proprietor was clever enough to discern that she was not dealing with a terribly bright man, when she observed me gazing stupidly at the posted menu. Thus, she simplified matters by asking whether I wanted meat or non-meat. Encouraged by my familiarity with meat, I went with the former and ordered a pressed roast beef sandwich. This consisted of (here is where I'll make you foodies proud) bread, meat, and some other stuff. Actually, it was high quality roast beef and a thick slice of Swiss cheese on sourdough with an excellent horseradish spread. In the immortal words of noted food critic R.W. Apple, "Dat shit was da bomb, mofos."

Although the menu contained 6 varieties of fruit smoothies that sounded delicious, I realized that these items were reserved for the non-culinarily retarded--or at least those sharp enough to know what a smoothie is. To minimize embarrassment, I ordered an iced tea. Unfortunately, this strategy backfired when the proprietor saw me looking curiously at the orange wedge in my tea. She graciously reassured me, "Yes, that's really lemon." Of course, it could may well have been a potato or Ernie's severed ear and I wouldn't have known it. Nevertheless, it was good, as well. As a result of the terms of my Work Release Program, I didn't have time to eat in. Thus, I ate my lunch while zipping up I-83 at unwise speeds. I can assure you the ambiance of the '93 Camry was marvelous, but then again, I've always been partial to the Mobile Dumpster Americana genre of interior design.

In conclusion, I strongly suggest you visit Evelyn's, if you find yourself in the Pigtown/Washington Village/Whateverthehelltheycallitnow area. For less than $8, I had a lunch that was much better than my $15 dinner at a popular Italian restaurant that will remain nameless.

* I'm not certain that Russell St. is part of Pigtown, Washington Village, or Ridgely's Delight.
** This has been remedied.


At 4:26 PM, Blogger anonymouscoworker said...

Why would you eat at the Olive Garden? Are you trying to get chlamydia from the breadsticks? Again?

At 6:18 PM, Blogger Kalleigh Hathaway said...

I wonder if Ernie's severed ear would taste waxy.

At 7:46 PM, Blogger verity said...

Thanks for reminding me: Next week I must post a review of potato salad. :)

At 7:53 PM, Blogger Mighty Dyckerson said...

Evelyn's made the national news last night! They showed video of rats scurrying inside the freezer where they keep the non-meats.

At 10:33 PM, Blogger CruiserMel said...

Pigtown? They don't really call it Pigtown, do they? You east coast people.....

At 11:57 PM, Blogger tfg said...

ACW-I'd eat my spleen before Olive Garden.

kalleigh-Fuzzy would be my guess.

geisha-Yes, you absolutely must.

dyck-Actually, that's more likely in the local Korean carryouts.

cruisermel-They used to call it Pigtown. Now, some call it Washington Village. Sortofsafecrackland is what I'm going to call it.

At 1:22 PM, Blogger Serena Joy said...

Wow. Pigtown. The residents are probably glad they're calling it something else now. Evelyn's sandwiches sound great.

At 9:54 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Now I MUST get back into Baltimore City. Severed Ernie ear sounds delish!

Oh, and when the include catapaults in porn, that just goes over the line for me. Dammit.

At 12:39 PM, Blogger karla said...

I won't stand for this criticism of Olive Garden. Them's good eatin.

At 8:12 PM, Blogger Charles said...

If I ever leave New York State again, and I am a millionaire, I will stop by and give ernie's ear a try.


At 9:21 AM, Blogger Hanmee said...

ALL that JUST to use the Ernie jpg?

At 9:23 AM, Blogger Hanmee said...

Oh yeah. I'm going to have to agree on the Olive Garden comment.

Only because I got my first case of food poisoning from them. My immune system has never been the same.

I only vomited once or twice as a child (and those memories stick out clearly from an otherwise fuzzy childhood). But the one time I threw up as an adult (a rare occurrence), was due to Olive Garden. I started vomiting every half hour for 5-6 hours. It was so so horrible. (And yes, it was a pasta dish.)

At 10:21 PM, Anonymous Carol said...

I promise you, it really was a lemon...and not an ear. Thank you for coming by -- you are a delightful customer, and welcome any time.

As for the's posted. :-)

Thanks again!

Carol Ott
Owner, Evelyn's

At 11:07 PM, Blogger ecdysis said...

I love the photo of you. nice stripes.


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