TFG: Food Critic

Having read An American Geisha for several months, I'm beginning to realize that their is more to eating than merely shoving food into the hole in the front of my head. Thus, I've written a restaurant review:

Yesterday, I had to go to pickup a required item for my new job from a store on Russell St. in Pigtown*. On the return trip back to I-83, I was driving down Washington Blvd, when I noticed Evelyn's Cafe & Coffeehouse (784 Washington Blvd, 21230). Evelyn's has a blog, which I followed a little bit before they opened. If I recall correctly, I asked about posting a menu and they told me that I'd just have to come in to see the it. Being the customer, and consequently always right, I concluded that I didn't need to go see the menu, after all. Business is business.**

Regardless, Evelyn's has seemed to flourish nicely without my patronage. Since I was already there and hungry, I decided to check it out. It was well after lunchtime, so I was surprised to see that the place was packed with customers. A couple was having a business meeting, another guy was enjoying lunch in a window seat, while a third gentleman was talking on his cell phone, while viewing some of the most depraved adult entertainment that I've ever seen on his laptop. Call me a prude, but the combination of midgets, elephants, lithium grease, and a catapult is just a little too excessive for my tastes. Other than that, the cafe was rather charming.

The proprietor was clever enough to discern that she was not dealing with a terribly bright man, when she observed me gazing stupidly at the posted menu. Thus, she simplified matters by asking whether I wanted meat or non-meat. Encouraged by my familiarity with meat, I went with the former and ordered a pressed roast beef sandwich. This consisted of (here is where I'll make you foodies proud) bread, meat, and some other stuff. Actually, it was high quality roast beef and a thick slice of Swiss cheese on sourdough with an excellent horseradish spread. In the immortal words of noted food critic R.W. Apple, "Dat shit was da bomb, mofos."

Although the menu contained 6 varieties of fruit smoothies that sounded delicious, I realized that these items were reserved for the non-culinarily retarded--or at least those sharp enough to know what a smoothie is. To minimize embarrassment, I ordered an iced tea. Unfortunately, this strategy backfired when the proprietor saw me looking curiously at the orange wedge in my tea. She graciously reassured me, "Yes, that's really lemon." Of course, it could may well have been a potato or Ernie's severed ear and I wouldn't have known it. Nevertheless, it was good, as well. As a result of the terms of my Work Release Program, I didn't have time to eat in. Thus, I ate my lunch while zipping up I-83 at unwise speeds. I can assure you the ambiance of the '93 Camry was marvelous, but then again, I've always been partial to the Mobile Dumpster Americana genre of interior design.

In conclusion, I strongly suggest you visit Evelyn's, if you find yourself in the Pigtown/Washington Village/Whateverthehelltheycallitnow area. For less than $8, I had a lunch that was much better than my $15 dinner at a popular Italian restaurant that will remain nameless.

* I'm not certain that Russell St. is part of Pigtown, Washington Village, or Ridgely's Delight.
** This has been remedied.