Monday, March 26, 2007

I May Have Joined the KKK Yesterday

As you probably hadn't noticed, I haven't posted for an entire week. It pretty much escaped my notice, too. As it turns out it, I spent most of last week at an inpatient psychiatric facility for treatment of what can only be described as a "psychotic" episode. I'll spare you the sordid details, but you should know that it involved a glockenspiel, approximately 3.03125 liters of Crisco, and a strong hankering to "make a scarlet woman" out of Mrs. Butterworth. At least, that's the way the police report reads.

OK, I made all of that up*. What I was really doing was finishing my final week of employment at Treblinka-tec, with a series of 12-14 hour days. I did this primarily because I've got rocks in my head. On Friday, otherwise known as Fuckthisfuckedupfucking
fuckawfulmotherfucking Job Day, I decided to celebrate by taking a trip to exotic location known as Indiana. Nothing of any note occurred while I was there, as it hasn't since 1838. Some of you may be wondering what part of Indiana that I visited, but I can assure you that it doesn't really matter. Closet yourself with a bushel of corn, five pounds of manure, and a first cousin and you've lived the Indiana Experience.

The interesting part, and I use the term loosely, happened on my way home. I was booked on a flight from Louisville to BWI. Since it took 30 minutes to get through security, I was one of the last to board the plane. Once aboard, I saw that it was full of Kentuckians embarking on their "Big
Flying Machine Adventure." If you can envision a winged Walmart, you've got the idea. I got the the pleasure of sitting between two Good Ole Boys from central Kentucky. At least, I think that's where they were from. Even though I am a native speaker of English, I couldn't understand much of what they said due to their accents.

Redneck: Yew goan to Bottlemuh?
Me: Yes. (Just like everybody else on the plane, pigfucker.)
Redneck: Hew yew bakadul Bottlemuh shillter?
Me: Yes.

Apparently, his second question wasn't a yes or no question, because he gave me a strange look. I didn't elaborate, so our conversation was blissfully complete. I promptly went to sleep and awoke, during final approach to BWI, to the two rednecks conversing across me, while looking out the window winder at Baltimore city.

Redneck1: Lewk et all dem hooses so cloose to each udder.
Redneck2: Dats where de niggahs leeve. Ain't nudding but niggahs in der.
Redneck1: I hoop we aint goan in der.
Redneck2: We maght. We gunna go duntun Dursday.
Redneck1: I shood uv brut my niggahknocka wid me.
Redneck2: Laughter.

They said some other things that I couldn't make out, but, mercifully, the plane landed. I debarked and was able to snap a picture of one of them in baggage claim:

The costume also came with the obligatory cowboy boots and enormous belt buckle. With that get-up and their liberal use of the word "nigger," I am eagerly anticipating reading about them on Baltimore Crime.

* This is funnier for some of you than others, but how many of you scurried to the kitchen to to determine whether your maple syrup had been defiled?


At 11:48 AM, Blogger Kalleigh Hathaway said...

I did NOT check my cabinets for signs of foul play but I do confess that I looked up TFG at to determine whether or not you were in the category of "Food and/or Musical Instrument Sexual Offenders". Fortunately, my zip code is clear of such low-lifes. For now.

At 12:14 PM, Blogger Aza said...

Oh dear God, tfg! You missed a once in a lifetime opportunity to educate the mentally challenged/retarded by shouting the following- “I find your gratuitous use of the word ‘nigger’ totally unacceptable, sir! I simply won’t stand for it, much less sit here and listen to you two inbreeds remind me what inspired the movie “Deliverance”! You should hold shame in your hearts you sons of racist bitches! And with that I’ll take my leave! Excuse me stewardess, I’ll be taking a seat in first class for the rest of the flight while I contemplate suing your airline right out of the sky for sitting me next to pig rapists!

At 12:49 PM, Blogger Broadsheet said...

That sounds like a connecting flight I took out of Reno, NV a few years back. How was I supposed to know that the NASCAR finals had been held in Reno that weekend? Everyone had a bad sunburn and a trucker hat but me. I felt so alone.

At 1:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I usually get to go to Omaha for work. My co-workers in Omaha never want to come to Maryland/Baltimore because they think they'll be killed in some crime. Which is funny, because our office is in Columbia.

At 1:50 PM, Blogger Katherine said...

Huh. I'll never look at Mrs. Butterworth in the same way. In fact, I think I'll have to switch to the more generic Karo pancake syrup. Not one smidge of real maple anything in it, but plenty of good for you corn syrup. Whoa, got off on a tangent there, sorry. Congrats on the last day of work for the fucktards! Love the redneck dialogue although I have no idea what the second question to you was...

At 2:20 PM, Blogger Laura said...

Does that guy really need a whole suitcase for two white sheets, a framed picture of his mama and a bottle of Mrs. Butterworth?

At 2:21 PM, Blogger anonymouscoworker said...

I didn't know you could buy Crisco by the liter.

At 2:24 PM, Blogger Hendersonman said...

Wow TFg, yuou maaged to Insult where i was born and where I live now in the same post. :)

At 3:23 PM, Blogger tfg said...

kalleigh-Perhaps you should have checked out the Rutabaga section.

aza- I was so outnumbered, I wouldn't have made it off the plane alive. It was very Deliverance-esque

broadsheet-I had that same experience in Charlotte, NC last year. At least the NASCAR fans were polite.

LOTI-LOL. I've been known to say to Midwesterners, "You know how you get scared when you see more then 3 black people on the same day? I get the same way when I can't see anything but corn."

Katherine-Sorry to spoil Mrs. Butterworth for you. I suppose I'll refrain from telling you what I caught Aunt Jemima doing with Snap, Crackle, and Pop.

laura-I imagine that the jars of pickled pigs feet took up the rest of the space.

ACW-That's how they do it when you buy in bulk.

Robert-If nothing else, I like to be thorough. However, I didn't include one complaint about that bit of fuckery known as the Lloyd.

At 5:25 PM, Blogger Serena Joy said...

I don't have a drop of maple syrup in the house, so I feel relatively safe. I got rid of it for the same reason you did -- strange goings on in the pantry. The plane trip would have driven me insane. Being cooped up with the uninformed on the ground is bad enough. In the air, it's a recipe for -- oh, yeah, psychosis.

At 6:40 PM, Blogger Mighty Dyckerson said...

Is Mrs. Butterworth a niggah? Or is it Aunt Jemimah? Or both? They all look the same to me.

At 7:17 PM, Blogger The Grunt said...

With those sweet breasts, Mrs. Butterworth is just asking for it.

At 9:39 PM, Blogger CruiserMel said...

Whew, my Mrs. Butterworth is still virginal, which is kind of scarey, since she's been married all these years.

Did they ever pull out the washboard and the jug for a little musical interlude? I'm not sure they were entertaining enough. I would've demanded music.

At 10:45 PM, Blogger verity said...

Some jive talk Airplane! style might have done the trick. Lay 'em down and smack em yack em. :)

At 2:13 AM, Blogger Deb said...

you are fucking hilarious

At 9:00 AM, Blogger Hanmee said...

I wasn't concerned because we buy Costco maple syrup.

You should have made them think you were "passing" to see how they would have reacted to you then.

At 1:14 PM, Blogger tkkerouac said...

u goin ta hell fo that redneck/nigga post!

At 2:25 PM, Blogger Scary Monster said...

Me laughing good time @ Ms.Broadsheets remark. stomp.

Incredible! Pigfucker's sister's second cousin's husband's boss is staying on the same floor as the Monster! Can you imagine how dumb he looks wearing he cowboy hat with a brand new aloha shirt and border shorts.

p.s. he still be wearing he boots. and tryin to figger out iffin Hawaiians be black or not.

At 7:35 PM, Blogger Superstar said...

I hateit
I hate it
I hate it
I don't like it at all...
What a couple of Fucktards!

At 12:25 AM, Anonymous Mrs. Butterworth said...

Hey baby ... where have you been hiding your sexy self in those poker playing boxer shorts that get me all .... sticky???

At 10:21 AM, Blogger Christina said...

At least you slept through most of that conversation, you would have gotten a headache trying to figure out what they mean between the 5 teeth that they share!

At 10:26 AM, Blogger tkkerouac said...

tkkerouac said...

At 11:38 AM, Blogger Charles said...

That was a funny post, but I still would like to wring those rednecks Necks.

Will this world ever change?

At 4:11 PM, Blogger Strumpet said...

dI've gotten myself into some rather compromising positions with the Jolly Green Giant myself... so I feel ya there.

He's pretty kinky for bein' green and all.

He's got quite a magnificent... cucumber.

At 5:16 PM, Blogger DBDP said...

In the nicer months, at least once a week, I have to play tour guide to every wayward tourist that took a wrong turn out of the harbor and mistakenly drove into BlackBaltimore. They come to a screeching halt, roll down their window and in a “thank God, a White Guy!” tone, ask me how to escape. That’s when I take of my rubber white person mask, dance like Al Jolson and ask them how much for their daughter.

At 6:01 PM, Blogger Legaleagle said...

Hey! Not all Southerners are ignorant bigots! Don't call those guys Good Ole Boys, because they aren't -- the correct term is assholes.

As for AZA, I have to wonder, would you have a case there?

Oh, and be careful -- Mrs. Buttersworth is a dirty slut. That stickiness is probably a sign of VD.

At 8:52 PM, Blogger ADW said...

I lived in good old Luzianna and still have family there (aunt/cousin, uncle/great uncle and sister/stepsister/stepmother). Try listening to that conversation in coonass (that's like the assistant coach from the Waterboy movie) and just see if your ears don't start bleeding.

At 2:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Indiana..the wander home state, wtf does that mean?
This just serves as a reminder there are still people out there with very very small nuts who still think like this.
Are you sure they weren't the Fuckwits driving that Suburban?
Funny post cept for those assholes.

At 2:13 PM, Blogger karla said...

I can't believe your parole officer lets you leave the state.

At 10:02 PM, Blogger Gucci Muse said...

What the hell is in Baltimore that all those Kentuckians are stuffing a plane to get there?

At 12:04 PM, Blogger Rogue said...

I just started blogging again. Been outta circulation for a while (nothing to do with farm animals and county jail, I swear).

I just recently found your blog and must say THAT YOU ARE QUITE POSSIBLY THE FUNNIEST MUTHA FUCKA on the world wide web.

I'm so glad I found this place.

At 1:33 PM, Anonymous KLR said...

Just a thought....
What make you better than the "Good Ole Boys" talking about the blacks that way. When you come on here and blast them and the typical stereotypes of the people from Kentucky?

.......just saying.


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