Sunday, June 24, 2007

Can't We All Just Get Along

If you aren't from Baltimore, this won't make a bit of sense. If you are from Baltimore, the same should hold true.

Emo Kids

A cloud hung over the local scene,
and some had been adjudged too mean.
Others may have been quite vain,
and now suffered the mortal pain.

Oh, the anguish. Oh, the grief.
This injustice is beyond belief.
Curse the grievous injury,
from those who refrain from "Yay for me!"

Marshal the forces, we must be strong
and swiftly we'll redress this wrong.
In secret we must surely meet,
to plan our archenemy's defeat.

Resolves were firmed and strange alliances made,
To ensure that rivals would be flayed.
Thus, the combatants took the field,
"Give no quarter! Never yield!"

The assaults were merciless and unrelenting,
never was seen more valiant commenting.
Such courage and valor despite the danger,
by angry lesbians, narcissists, and even a park ranger.

When the dust settled and the smoke had cleared,
the results were worse than had been feared.
Although they struggled, battled, and fought,
all their efforts had amounted to naught.

Then, although he often sounds absurd,
the voice of a lone Assclown was heard.
"I don't know how you could all forget,
it's just the fucking internet."

Sunday, June 17, 2007

I Need A Hero

Ask any old-timer about what is wrong with the youth of today and you will inevitably hear the same complaint: Youngsters nowadays have nobody to look up to. Celebrity icons such as Brittney Spears, Barry Bonds, Tom Cruise, and Eminem can hardly be portrayed as good role models for the younger generation. You would think that with all of the media hype that permeates our culture, there would be someone that kids could look to emulate.

Fortunately, I've saved the day by discovering a Superhero that is sufficiently wholesome for all ages:

Faster than a speeding bidet. Able to leap tall hemorrhoids in a single bound. It's Captain Colon* and his crimefighting headgear. I wonder if he needs a sidekick, because I honestly think that I'd make a great Prince Proctoscope .

* I honestly didn't make this up. I found it in the Health and Wellness section of a midwestern Sunday newspaper.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007


I've been rather busy lately. Consequently, this post will provide a veritable cornucopia of crap:

1. New RobotPictureThingy. I'd like to thank Corn Dog for the new and improved robot on my profile picture. Notice that the robot is now smoke free, as am I. Nice bit of photoshopping there:

2. Yuppies in da Hood. Silly white folks, nobody said being edgy was going to be easy. The people down there are there because they have to be. You are there because you want to be. Being a color-coded have in an ocean of have nots is none too clever. I sincerely hope nothing bad befalls you, but if it does, I suggest the following epitaph, "Black people really liked me. Well, most of them did."

3. Treblinka Diet. As some of you remember, I performed a dietary experiment last year where I only consumed 500 calories/day. I affectionately named the experiment The Auschwitz Diet, because it was a book about concentration camps that spawned the experiment. The experiment went on for 8 weeks and I ended up losing about 25 lbs.

It has taken a year to gain most of that weight back. At work, we have a pool of 12 who have entered an 8 week contest to see who can lose the most weight, relative to their initial weight. The entry fee is $100 and my initial weight is 180 lbs. I'm going up against some real big guys (300lbs+), but because the contest is based on relative weight loss, I think I've got it in the bag.

4. Assclown. Apparently, archenemies aren't just for superheroes anymore (Unless drooling is now considered a super power.) Regardless, my pain has a name and that name is: SnackDouche. Here is a photo of SnackDouche in action:

Note what lane SnackDouche is in while driving at 50 mph on the intersate. Traffic is not bad in this shot, but at least once a week for the last several months, I've run into a large backup that he has created by blocking the left lane while barely doing the speed limit.

Once, I got close enough to him to see that he was doing it intentionally. He'd speed up to stop anyone from passing on the right. After 15 minutes of this, I was sufficiently pissed to pass him in a left hand exit lane. SnackDouche never saw me until it was too late. He tried to stop me from getting back in, but I don't believe Utz trucks are built for such things. Now, whenever SnackDouche sees me, he tries to cut me off or block me from passing. I've developed several strategies for getting by him, but eventually he's just going to plow into me with that goddamned thing. I should stow pepper spray and a tub of sour cream dip in my car for that eventuality.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Give Until It Hurts

First, we had Karyn Bosnak who is credited with creating the phenomenon of cyberbegging. She was a 20 something TV producer who turned to the worldwide information super-tubeterwebs for financial assistance. As you may already know, Bosnak created a website where she solicited small contributions to accommodate her $20,000 in high interest debt.

In that tradition, we had The Greedy Pig Wishlist from Standing Cheese, where he facetiously solicited contributions from his readers. Next, Malnurtured Snay has turned to the same medium for assistance with $4000 in credit card debt. This post has stirred quite a bit of controversy in the Baltimore blogging community, as people debated the ethical ramifications of Snay's request. Personally, I think it's great that Snay is asking for money, so long as the contributions are purely voluntary and used in the manner that he prescribed.

Consequently, I am also turning to cyberspace for assistance. Believe me, counting on the generosity of strangers is no easy thing. I rarely ask anyone for help, so I hope that you can appreciate how humbling this process truly is. What I need you do to is to dig deep into heart and donate a vagina. Hopefully, enough of you will recognize the nobility of my cause to allow me to achieve my goal of 4000 vaginas.

Although, I'm known for my flexibility in these matters, I must ask that you comply with the following stipulations:
1. All contributed vaginas must be at least 18 years of age and, preferably, human.
2. Please refrain from contributing borrowed, purchased, or rented vaginas. You must have the express, unconditional rights of ownership and, in certain circumstances, a title may be required.
3. I reserve first rights of refusal on all contributed vaginas, particularly with respect to any donations that have been associated with Mighty Dyckerson. Any refused donations may be sold on the secondary vagina market.
4. I reserve the right to use all contributed vaginas in any manner that I deem fit. While unlikely, potential applications may include, but are not restricted to; pencil holders, flower vases, heroin transportation contrivances, model rocket launchers, or umbrella stands.

You are probably wondering how I got to this point and the answer is; poor vagina budgeting. I simply let things get away from me until I was 4000 vaginas in the red. Sure, somewhere around the -500 vagina point, I realized I was in trouble, but I figured that I'd be able to change before things got out of hand. Never did I envision that it would begging strangers for 4000 vaginas. To put things in perspective, 4000 vaginas laid end to end is approximately the volumetric equivalent of 3 Grand Canyons or 0.614 Karlas.

Now, you're probably thinking, "What about the starving children of Africa? Aren't they more deserving of my charity than TFG?" The answer is no. For one, what are starving children going to do with truckloads of vaginas? It's food that they really need, so unless they plan to use said vaginas as burrito warmers, this would be counterproductive. Besides, it's an overabundance of vaginas that got them into that mess. If anything, those little fuckers should be sending me vaginas.

it is hard to imagine a worthier cause, so make your donation today. How many of you have an unused vagina around the house that is just sitting around collecting dust? The sooner that I receive your vagina, the sooner I can put it to good use. Thanks for your contributions in advance.