There are some words in the English language that convey profound meaning through their sheer ambiguity. Assclown is one of them.
Monday, April 30, 2007
I Wonder If It Works Like Amway
Remember the good old days, when you'd have to sneak off in a disguise to a seedy part of town to purchase your orgy butter. Apparently, door-to-door dildo sales have arrived:
The sign clearly states, "For Women Only." I am curious as to why my doubledong dollar isn't as good as the next gal's. Oh well, I'll guess I'll stick to the dull, traditional romantic gifts like wine, flowers, and strawberry icing.
If you have a $100k/year job, 25 years of seniority, and nobody really makes you work too hard, do you:
A. Lay low and ride it out until retirement and pension disbursement? B. Bust your ass and set an example for the less experienced guys? C. Threaten a coworker with a knife over foolishness?
C is the correct answer--welcome to my world. It gets better, though.
If you are Mangement and Mr. Stabby has threatened a coworker with a knife, in front of witnesses, do you:
A. Have him arrested? B. Have him fired immediately? C. Start to fire him, but then relent and allow him to retire at the end of this week. Then, since Mr. Stabby has over 20 years of service, throw him a retirement party?
Again C is the correct answer. I'm really not sure what to write in his retirement card. Maybe: I'll miss you, Mr Stabby. Especially, when I find the extra weight of my spleen cumbersome. Well, at least I know what music to play at the party:
For years, I did what they said couldn't be done. Much like Thomas Edison or the Wright brothers, I ignored the naysayers and persevered. No, I didn't discover electricity or flight. I didn't something infinitely more difficult. I had intimate relations with live, attractive, human females on a twin sized bed. Moreover, the degree of difficulty of this feat was magnified by the fact that I had Winnie the Pooh sheets on said bed. Although, my inherent charm made the impossible possible, it wasn't accomplished easily and definitely not quietly. I can't tell how you how many times I had to hear, "Aren't you too old for a little bed?!?" or "Oh my God, tell me we didn't just make love on Tigger."
Well, I am happy to say that those days are over. Yes, I've given up intimate relations with women and will only consider ostriches from here on. Yes, I've stepped into the world of adulthood and purchased a real bed. In fact, it's a queen sized Simmons WordclassBeautyRest Pure Awakening Softtop. If you aren't impressed by all of that; good--you shouldn't be. What I discovered in my research is that much of the mattress industry is utter bullshit. While parameters like coil count and turns per coil should be accounted for, much of the information provided by mattress manufacturers is deceptive. For instance, I tried to comparison shop models from store to store. No dice--Sealy, Serta, Simmons and the other manufacturers change the model names to prevent this very thing. Thus, you can only find a Simmons Pure Awakening at a particular store. At another retailer, the exact same mattress set is called the Simmons Orgasmic Slumber, Simmons Divine Dutch Oven or some such silliness.
I am one of the most frugal people you will never meet. I make a decent living, but still drive a '93 Camry, for Christ's sake. Thus, once I got the idea that all of the bedding retailers of the world were out to screw me, I dropped any pretense of politeness, as demonstrated by this conversation I had in Sears:
Me: So, if I wanted this bed, I can buy it from your website, too. Right? Salesman: It's much better if you buy it here. We make sure that the order goes out correctly. Me: And you'd lose your commission, too, I expect. Salesman (grinning sheepishly): Well, yes, there's that, too. Me: That sounds like 20% off, to me. Salesman (no longer grinning): But the bed is already marked down 40% from the regular price. Me: Yes, but you never sell at that price, so it's not really the "regular" price, now, is it? Salesman: OK, I might be able to give you a discount if you buy tonight. Me: Tonight? That just sounded like a free frame and delivery. Variations of this conversation were held all over the metropolitan Baltimore region. Finally, though, a decision was made, a grand was spent, and after 34 years I finally joined the fraternity of mature adult males. To wit:
In lieu of PA system at my workplace, we have a plant wide radio system. I overheard the following on one of the maintenance channels:
Mechanic1: How long until we can turn the hydraulics back on? Mechanic2: I need a part first. Mechanic1: What do you need? Mechanic 2: I need a dual connected fluid conveyance apparatus. Mechanic1: What? Mechanic2: I need a dual connected fluid conveyance apparatus. Mechanic1: It's a standard pump. What the hell are you talking about? Mechanic2: Well, we can't say hose on the radio anymore.
Depression is a malady that affects over 18 million Americans a year. Some people deal with feelings of sadness by self-medicating with illicit drugs or alcohol. Of course, this only provides a temporary solution, the problem still remains after the individual sobers up. Counseling has proven to be therapeutic for some who suffer from depression--having a trained professional listen to your problems can be invaluable. For more serious cases, prescribed medicines such as Welbutrin or Prozac can provide a lifealtering solution.
Personally, I've found that most of that is horseshit. I don't do drugs or drink and I've found that 99% of the psych. majors that I've met are batshit crazy. Therefore, I've come up with my own therapy for when I'm feeling down. What I do is don my new, custom made drawers and little else, while prancing around my apartment like a pretty, pretty, princess:
I'm sure that most of you are familiar with those lame motivational posters that are a decorative staple of many mid-level managers. It's also quite likely that you've seen the Demotivators® series of posters, which spoofs the motivational posters. The Demotivators are funny, but I've come up with several potential additions for them:
I'm glad that I could serve as an inspiration for you all. What can I say, I'm motivation in a can.
I have previously discussed the fact that I'm too stupid to be Jewish and too white to be black, although I may be black enough to be K-Fed. Nevertheless, the marketing geniuses at Verizon have decided that I can handle being Korean:
Don't get the idea that I'm ridiculing Koreans. I would be honored to be part of any race or nationality so advanced that it can communicate via anthropomorphized maxi-pads: