Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Why I Sould Never Be Allowed to Manage Anything

While working, I often find myself thinking, "If I was in senior management I would do...." Therefore, I have compiled a list of managerial initiatives that I would implement if I were in charge. Of course, most of these shortcomings aren't particular to my workplace, so if you are in management, feel free to use any of my leadership techniques liberally.

Focus Motivation

I recognize that it interpersonal communication is a normal part of the working process. However, for some employees, work serves as their primary social outlet. Thus, each employee would be furnished with a Motivational Collar to help them stay on task. Whenever an employee was overheard talking about their wife's shortcomings, what they saw on TV last night, or who is banging the new girl in advertising, a gentle 1200V reminder to get back on task would be issued.

Restroom Usage

All men's room toilets would be replaced with urinals. I think that this would eliminate large periods of unproductivity for many employees. This is particularly true of people who like to take newspapers, magazines or War and Peace in with them. Additionally, it would eliminate a potentially traumatic situation for other employees. Of course, I realize that occasionally situations arise that are beyond one's gastrointestinal control. Thus, I would have make one commode available for employees, which would available for emergencies.

The blue thing is a port-a-pot and, of course, I'd be operating the crane controls.


The average American employee is estimated to hold 11.7 jobs during there working years. Employee turnover has become accepted in contemporary corporate culture. Termination no longer holds the stigma that it once did. Typically, when an employee is discharged, they are quietly escorted out at the end of the day. Their coworkers are left in a depressed funk, wondering about the demise of their coworker. Consequently, I would modify the employee termination procedure to put the fun back into the process. And the firing back into firing.

Employee Recognition

I believe that productive employees should be recognized and rewarded. Thus, I would initiate an Employee of the Month program. Each month an employee who showed initiative, diligence and team spirit would be recognized publicly. Additionally, the Employee of the Month would get their own parking space, their name on a plaque, a free vacation day, and 120% of their pay for the month. I believe
that this would create sufficient initiative amongst the ranks to inspire good work habits.

I would also implement an Other Employee of the Month, for those who have demonstrated that there is room for improvement in their performance. Although, their would be no plaque or temporary pay raise, they would receive a hat which would tell everyone, "I may not be the best today, but I will get there."

These are just a few of the of the ideas that I've come up with to maximize employee morale and efficiency. I think it is clear that my management initiatives are the epitomy of "thinking outside the box." Unless, of course, your lunch disagrees with you.

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Impending Office Fire

Primary Goal: To complete the design and write the program for a piece of industrial equipment.
Estimated time required for completion: 6-8 hours.

7:30 Arrive. Dreaded voicemail LED is blinking on the bitchbox phone. Voicemail is from coworker asking for something silly. Invoke TFG's Law of Obligatory Duplicity, which states: If you want something stupid from me, you need to ask twice. Delete message. Turn on PC.

7:30-7:45 Read and respond to various e-mails. Check header of e-mail with naked girl in it for the governor's e-mail address. Note that the governor is apparently the only MD government employee who didn't receive and forward it.

7:45-7:50 Work on Primary Goal.(+0:15)

7:50-7:55 Phone rings. It's a salesman calling to tell me that he sent me e-mail. The guy is a known douche, so I ask him to send me an e-mail telling me that he called. In douchelike fashion, he laughs and says he'll call back later.

7:55-8:15 Work on Primary Goal. (+0:35)

8:15-9:30 Shop worker comes to office and tells me they are having a problem with something they are building. I explain that it isn't my project. He explains that the engineer who programmed it is out and it has to ship today. I spend 60 minutes tracing through the code to find out that it is was a wiring mistake by the shop employee. Ask him if he knows any other tricks besides how to wire with his head in his ass.

Work on Primary Goal.(+1:05)

10:00-12:25 Meeting. Of the 20 attendees invited, only 4 have anything to do with the subject of the meeting. The rest show up to screw off. The screw-offs manage to turn a 45 minute presentation into a 2.5 hour babblefest with irrelevant questions about subjects that they will never have to concern themselves with. Presenter announces that there will be another meeting in the afternoon. Made mental note to miss it.

12:25-1:15 Lunch at desk. I have a well known pet peeve about people bugging me when I eat. Nevertheless, 3 people stop in to talk. One just wanted to know what I was eating. Fantasize about hanging a sign in my office that says, "If you have nothing to do, please do it elsewhere."

Work on Primary Goal.(+1:30)

1:40 Secretary calls and says that the second meeting has started and my attendance is requested. Mentally repeat, "Don't kill the messenger," as I tell her I'll be there shortly. Grab a pack of Smarties from receptionist's candy jar and go to meeting.

1:45-3:30 Different time, same meeting. Observe that some of my coworkers are addicted to the sound of their own voices. Also, observe that people making much more money than I, have much less to do. Sort Smarties by color and conduct taste tests. Conclude that all Smarties are the same flavor, regardless of color. Leave meeting, get more Smarties, return to meeting, and have coworker verify results.

Work on Primary Goal.(+1:45)

3:45-4:30 Parade of coworkers into my office begins. They all want to talk about the meeting and other silliness. Visions of working on Saturday start entering my consciousness. Leave in disgust.

In the 9 hours I was at work, less than 20% of it was spent on the Primary Goal. Tomorrow, will be the same, only with different interruptions. If I were to miss the deadline for the Primary Goal (which I won't because of unpaid OT), nobody will be interested in hearing about how they wasted my time. In fact, they probably wouldn't even believe it, except that I keep a timesheet for myself. I'm starting to realize that my biggest obstacle to productivity is coming to work.

Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Assclown Secret

After hearing all the buzz about Post Secret, I decided to check it out. I found it truly inspirational.

-----Original Message-----
Sent: Thursday, February 23, 2006 1:04 AM

It was so reassuring to see the "I never round down on my taxes" card. Just knowing that there are others out there like me gives me inner strength, which is good. It's good because I'm doing a dime in the federal pen for tax fraud. The knowledge that I'm not alone helps me cope with the fact that my nymphomaniac cellmate Bubba has tattooed knockers on my back. Thanks, Assclown Secret.



Sunday, February 19, 2006

Winter Olympics

This weekend I watched some of the Winter Olympics or at least I tried too. Between the choppy coverage, phony announcers and contrived sports, I have to say that I found the entire experience painful. I am going to have to concur with Bryant Gumbel when he said:

"...So try not to laugh when someone says these are the world’s greatest athletes, despite a paucity of blacks that makes the winter games look like a GOP convention. Try not to point out that something’s not really a sport if a pseudo-athlete waits in what’s called a kiss-and-cry area, while some panel of subjective judges decides who won. And try to blot out all logic when announcers and sportswriters pretend to care about the luge, the skeleton, the biathlon and all those other events they don’t understand and totally ignore for all but three weeks every four years. Face it — these Olympics are little more than a marketing plan to fill space and sell time during the dreary days of February...."

I'm unsure about the relevance of his GOP simile, but everything else that he said is right on the money. Clearly, the International Olympic Organization is going to have to make significant changes to the events if they have any hope of maintaining their audience. Fortunately, I have come up with several ideas that should help them get back on track.


Curling is a sport that requires its participants slide a puck, known as the stone, across a length of ice and into a scoring circle, referred to as the house. As the stone traverses the ice, two fluffers precede the stone and smooth the path with silly-ass sticks. The net result is that you have a 2.5 hour match that is as stimulating as an intravenous thorazine injection to the aorta.

I feel that curling would be much more exciting with a few minor modifications, First, the stone needs to be replaced with a more challenging object, like Oprah Winfrey. Then, the fluffers would tie Ho-Ho's to the end of their sticks and attempt to lure Oprah down the ice. Points would be awarded for getting Oprah in da house, while points would be subtracted for each fluffer eaten by Oprah. The team with most points would win, while the losing team would be consoled then consumed by Oprah.


The biathlon is composed of two sports; cross-country skiing and shooting. Basically, a skier slogs through the snow for awhile, shoots for awhile, and slogs some more. Penalties are assessed for missed targets, which translates to more slogging that is required of the contestant. The skier who slogs the fastest wins. Neither activity is particularly interesting to watch and the amalgamation of the two is even less so.

I suggest that they dispense with the shooting aspect of the event entirely, since it only slows down a
n already tedious process. Also, hitting fixed targets with a scoped .22 rifle at a little over 50 yards is not terribly difficult. (I don't like guns, but I've repeatedly hit a quarter with a scoped .22 at 100 yards.) Instead, I think that the introduction of a more personal type of marksmanship would make the event more exciting for the audience and we would gain a whole new level of respect for female biathletes.


The Luge event is comprised of a participant or a pair of participants riding a sled down a frozen track. The contestant who traverses the course in the shortest time wins. Initially, this event is interesting, but after the third contestant has raced, the novelty quickly wears off. Although I'm sure the athlete plays a significant role in dictating the elapsed time, the interaction between the ice and sled seems to be the controlling factor.

Personally, I believe that the use of sleds should be strictly prohibited. This would allow the contest to be decided solely on the basis of the athletic attributes of the participants. The uniforms of the lugers could be easily modified to accomodate this and I have included a new uniform prototype below for reference.

With the institution of these improvements, I have no doubt that the Winter Olympics can be restored to its former glory. If not, there is still time to combine speed skating, ice dancing, and roller derby.

Friday, February 17, 2006

Random Crap

It's random crap.

- When other people refer to posts in this blog, I find that they mistakenly refer to me as Assclown. In the interest of accuracy, I must point out that the name is TFG. Of course, that isn't my real name or even the initials of my real name. My real name is Atomic Wanker. My parent's couldn't think of anything else.

- I have received an e-mail regarding the decreasing frequency of my posts. Fear not, I have not lost my love of blogging. That's because I never really had one. The truth is that my employer has caused me, as they say in the Midwest, to be busier than a one-armed pivot man at a circle jerk. They have given me a year's worth of projects to complete and only six month's in which to do so. As we get closer to June, my use of the internet will become increasingly restricted to ordering stimulants from illegal online pharmacies and looking at my new favorite type of porn.

- Speaking of e-mail, I have decided to adopt the Hinkybox policy. Thus, I won't post the content of the e-mail or your e-mail address on here. Unless, of course, you are a real fucknut, in which case I'll post all of the above, your credit report, and any naked pictures that I deem relevant.

- I don't keep real good track of these things, but I think I have new neighbors. The reason why I've noticed is that I've been awakened by loud noises that sounded like someone was seriously hurting a small dog. Normally, I don't care what people do in the privacy of their own homes. However, I like most dogs more than most people, so I was quite prepared to call the police the next time it happened. Which was tonight, but they had the window open making it more distinct. I was glad I didn't call anyone when I heard the "dog" shreak, "Harder. Oh, Jesus. Harder. OoogyOoogyOooogy. Oh, Jesus. Harder. OooogyOoogyOoogyOoogy...etc." WTF? Who in the hell says "Oooogy?" (This is a rhetorical question.) I wonder if duct tape would be an appropriate housewarming gift?

- My father's birthday is next week. Dad and I aren't real big on holiday traditions. For instance, we tend to exchange used cards. We simply cross out the inappropriate holiday verbage and write in the proper text. Then, we strikeout the sender's name and add our own. Unfortunately, I don't have any used cards that I'm willing to part with and using a new card would be bad form. Here is what I came up with instead.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Valentine's Day Gift Suggestions

As you probably know, Valentine's Day is swiftly approaching. Due to the hectic pace of Baltimore life, I know that some of you still haven't purchased your beloved's gift yet. As a service to you, I, Mr. Romance, have compiled a brief list of prospective Valentine's Day presents that will show your beloved that they are special.

Gifts For Him:

A new wristwatch makes an excellent gift for any man. Swiss watchmaker Tag Heuer is a world leader in the manufacture of quality chronographs. The Tag Heuer Aqua Racer Series combines style and functionality in a sleek package. This watch features a stainless steel body with a sapphire crystal lens, which is impervious to scratching. The hands are diamond set and luminous allowing the watch to be read in complete darkness. A steel screwdown crown and caseback allows submersion of the watch up to 300m. The chronograph provides both elapsed timing and lap-time functions on the inlaid dials. Due to Tag Heuer's legendary craftsmanship, this is a gift that he is guaranteed to enjoy for years.

If your fellow likes golf, he will love a set of Big Bertha drivers from Callaway Golf. The Big Bertha Titanium 454 Series features a pitch range of 8-15°, a lie of 56°, and a face angle that varies from square to 4° closed. The club head is constructed of lightweight composite materials that allow superior club speed to be generated which produces longer drives. A 454 cubic centimeter clubhead allows for a very forgiving sweet spot that will ensure that all of his drives will be straight on course.

Think of how much quality time you will spend with your sweetheart with a pair of Baltimore Ravens season tickets. With this gift, you are guaranteed at least 7 home games, with the possibility of more depending on playoff results. With club level seating, you can watch all of the action and still enjoy unrestricted access to heated lounges that feature wide screen TVs. Food and beverage service is also available at your seat and concierge service is available. This is a gift that he'll look forward to all year long.

Gifts For Her:

If you have a lady who likes to workout, this is the perfect gift for her. She will have hours of fun in the sun with a Toro Recycler Personal Pace Lawn Mower. This model comes with a 6.5 HP Tecumseh engine which will provide sufficient power to cut the wettest grass, enabling operation even in heavy rain. It has a Personal Pace® Rear Wheel Drive self-propulsion feature, but it is easily defeated with the removal of a single belt. This model also has a rear discharge bag which will prevent any stray lawn clippings from getting into your beer while you are supervising from your lawn chair.

Are you tired of continually being reminded to put the seat down whenever you use the restroom at home? If you're like me, you call it a win if you can remember to put the lid up first. Well, you can eliminate this unneccessary source of contention with How to Pee Standing Up: Tips for Hip Chicks by Anna Skinner. Since self-help books are currently in fashion, your beloved will appreciate this "cool" contribution to your relationship.

Clearly, patience on your part will be initially required. Thus, you may want to consider giving a second gift of a Spot-A-Pot rental, until she has mastered all of the subtle nuances associated with her new skill. Rest assured, that there is nothing like a brisk February morning to promote mastery.

Valentine's Day can be stressful for guys on a tight budget. We all know how trying it can be when you are forced to constrain your affirmation of unbridled love by a matter as trivial as money. Well, you don't have to spend hundreds of dollars to let that special someone know that she is the One. Sometimes the gifts that are most meaningful are the gifts that you make yourself. Thus, for the price of a McDonald's breakfast and a Taco Bell lunch, you can give her a present that she will always remember. There has never been a truer adage than: Nothing says lovin' like a massive Dutch Oven. You will be her romantic hero once she hears of the time and forethought that you have put into this special gift.

Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Let Sleeping Assholes Lie

Today, was the third day of a week long training session.The class is full, with the majority of students coming from a local municipal sewer department. They are hourly, union members who bullied the instructor into starting the class an hour and a half early, so that they could work some type of overtime scam. Thus, I have been getting up at the asscrack of dawn, so these guys can pocket 1.5 times there bloated rate by sitting on their asses. As you might have guessed, this doesn't please me.

The class itself is boring. Tasks that ought to take minutes take hours. So, I decided to take a little nap after lunch. I awoke to an annoying nebbish calling my name. It was the instructor with a question about the task he was discussing. Just like high school. I answered his question and pointed out that having to perform such a task is a shortcoming in his product. It isn't required with his competitor's products. When I was finished, he stated, "I haven't figured out whether you are here to help or hurt." Personally, I thought I was there to sleep but since he disagreed, I occupied myself with other tasks.

First thing tomorrow, he will be demonstrating a program to the class on a touchscreen. He stupidly left said touchscreen on a network that was accessible to the class for most of the day. Tomorrow, 15 seconds after he starts the equipment in his demonstration, his prominent company logo will be replaced by this, courtesy of Shamus O'Drunkahan Has Issues:

30 seconds later, we'll be enjoying this, courtesy of Mo71:

What can I say, I'm a Helper.

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

The Lost Art of the Asskicking

This morning, as dawn broke on the city, I found myself being yelled at by an angry man in the McDonald's parking lot at Washington, Patapsco, and Hammonds Ferry Rd. He seemed to be upset at the fact that he wanted money "for the bus" and I wasn't giving him any. Since this is the second time in 6 months that I've had one of these conversations with a perfect stranger, it gave me cause to reflect on the lack of civility in the Baltimore area.

For certain, in the seven years that I lived in the Midwest, I never once had a similar exchange with a stranger. In fact, Midwesterners and Southerners are known for their cordiality. Some attribute this to religious influence or just plain "folksiness", but I know better. Midwestern social interactions are influenced by an invisible, yet omnipresent force, known as the Asskicking. Every Midwesterner knows that if their behavior exceeds some proscribed limit, an Asskicking is likely to be administered. It's like having Ms. Manners consult on every social exchange, except that she's got a 8' length of chain out in her pickup. While this might be considered unrefined or crass, it is certainly effective.This line of thought lead me to consider how this Midwestern tradition could improve matters in Baltimore.

1. Drug addicts would be much more polite. If the possibility of getting worked over by a 7-iron entered my morning friend's thinking, he wouldn't have demanded money, but would have asked instead. (And he might have gotten some.)

2. Keith Mills would still have a career. The police report said that he'd been stealing from an elderly cancer patient for over a year. She had suspected it for most of this time. In the Midwest, after the second theft, Mr. Mills would have made entry and been greeted by 3-5, perhaps overall clad, relatives who would have convinced him of the error in his ways. There would have been no felony arrests or scandalous stories, only an emergency room visit.

3. Aggressive driving would decrease. If tailgating was rewarded with Asskicking, it would rarely happen. I also imagine that the Asskicking might be a useful technique for reacquainting Baltimore drivers with their turn signals. Also, I think that every Hummer purchase should come with a complementary Asskicking.

4. Violence towards women could be reduced. When a wifebeater knows that his wife's brothers and father are apt to dispense some "family counseling," they don't hit. It's a matter of communicating the inappropriate nature of their behavior in a language in which they are fluent.

4. People would be more patient. Last week, I was in the 10 items or less lane at Target. The guy in front of me had 12 items. It was close enough for me, but not the assclown behind me who started bitching at him. When the assclown received no sympathy from me, he called someone on his cell phone and started whining to them. If the prospect of requiring the services of a proctologist to finish his conversation was looming, I doubt he would have opened his mouth.

5. The rates of contractors and auto mechanics would be reduced. I've had Maryland auto mechanics attempt to charge me outrageous rates for unnecessary work. Recently, a Midas employee wanted $700 for $100 worth of work. If I was allowed to make up the difference with $600 worth of Asskicking (at $50/hour/ass kicked), I'd bet he would have gotten the price right the first time.

6. Civility in cyberspace would increase. There would be less snarkiness and probably fewer blogs where people routinely refer to others as assclowns.

These are just a few of the benefits that we could be enjoying by implementing this rustic solution. I know that I'm going start as soon as possible and I urge you to do the same. Together, with diligence we can change our city's image. I know my goal will have been realized, when a visitor, from Topeka, can tell his wife, "You know, Lucinda, these Baltimore folks are real nice. At least, when they aren't kicking my ass. It almost makes me homesick."

Sunday, February 05, 2006

Experiment #9

A friend and I have been having a running disagreement about internet dating sites. He says that they are a normal, modern way to meet people. I take the position that everybody else on the internet, particularly maternal relatives of eebmore, are old, balding transvestites who want to have their way with me and then cut me into convenient pieces. I also think that internet dating sites tend to be porno for the materialistic. Thus, an experiment was in order.

This experiment was conducted to test the validity of the following hypothesis: In internet dating, virtual penis length is directly proportional to wallet thickness. Stated mathematically:
where; Lwang is male endowment, k is a proportionality constant, and twallet is wallet thickness.

In order to test the hypothesis, a methodology was employed that held all variables relatively constant except personal income. Thus, two photographs of the same test subject (who, by the way, is not me) were obtained from an internet personals site. The subject's geographical location was selected to be very distant from the Baltimore metropolitan region.

On a different popular singles site, that happened to have a 7 day free trial, two ads were placed. The first ad was for the lower income (LI) subject and used the photo on the left. The key characteristics for LI are as follows: Age=34, Height=6' 1", Weight=200 lbs, Nonsmoker, Occasional drinker, No children, Income=$25k-$35k, and Occupation=Cable TV Service Rep. The second ad was for the high income subject (HI), which used the picture on the right. HI's characteristics were given as: Age=35, Height=6' 0", Weight=205 lbs, Nonsmoker, Occasional drinker, No children, Income=$50k-$100k and Occupation=Chemical Engineer.

Both ads were run for for a 10 day period, with the 10 day periods being staggered. The singles site's search engine keys on zip code, so adjacent zip codes were selected to ensure that searches were overlapping.

Results and Conclusions
Responses that were obvious spam were excluded from the final count (i.e. Svetlana from the Ukraine wants to meet you at borschtbimbos.com). The response tallies are as follows:
Lower Income Guy(total): 4
Lower Income Guy(adjusted for spam): 1
Higher Income Guy(total): 10
Higher Income Guy(adjusted for spam): 7

The following chart depicts the experimental data with a least squares fit to determine the relationship between the independent and dependent variables. The points used to represent income are the median values for the income ranges provided above. It is readily apparent that the hypothesis has, at least, been qualitatively verified. Obviously, the 2-point nature of the experiment casts doubt on the true nature of the relationship (quadratic, cubic, tantric, logarithmic, etc.) but for our purposes, the assumption of linearity will be maintained.

The appearance of the y-intercept term (-3) was suprising, as it was expected to be zero. In other words, our hypothesis assumes that no income equates to no virtual penis length. This is clearly an underestimate of the situation and suggests extrapolation might be meaningful, which is provided in the next chart.

From the second chart, it can be observed that in the Baltimore internet dating market, a male is virtually penisless if his annual income is at $22.5k. As income falls below this point, virtual penis length becomes increasingly negative. Since it is beyond the scope of this experiment to determine whether a negative penis length translates to an ipso facto virtual vagina, this phenomena will be referred to as virtual anti-dongality. Regardless, the following conclusions can be asserted:

1. In internet dating, virtual penis length varies linearly with income.
2. As male income approaches $22.5k/year, virtual penis length approaches zero.
3. Having an income below $22.5k/year leads to anti-dongality, which is the result of negative vitual penis length. It has yet to be determined whether this makes anti-dongaloids more or less attractive to other males.
4. eebmores mom is apparently very wealthy.

In closing, it has been clearly established that materialism is alive and well in the Baltimore dating market. This may be one example where the axiom, "You get what you pay for" does not apply. Unless, of course, we are discussing eebmore's mother. In that case, pocket change or pizza crust will suffice.

Islamic Cartoon Riots

I wonder what would happen if Al Jazeera ran a cartoon of Bush and an American oil company executive riding Jesus with a saddle. I'd wager we'd be bombing something right now.

Wednesday, February 01, 2006

I Should Have Been a Speech Writer

Mr. Speaker, Vice President Cheney, members of Congress, members of the Supreme Court and diplomatic corps, distinguished guests and fellow citizens:

Each time I am invited to this rostrum, I am humbled by the fact that I have to occupy 45 minutes with nothing but my own babbling about things I don't really understand. Smart people, the kind who know where Asia is, have written this speech, so bear with me when I come to the big words. In the past year, our nation has made unprecedented advances on the domestic, foreign, and economic fronts.

Internationally, we have accomplished a string of stunning victories in the War for Profit on Terror. We have suceeded in yet another year of Iraqi occupation, allowing us to funnel billions of tax dollars into the coffers of major campaign contributors like Haliburton, Lockheed Martin, and General Dynamics. Although we still havent found any WMD, we found their oil and that's what matters. We have also initiated the trial of Saddam Hussein and will punish him to the full extent of the law for his role in 9/11, Whitewater, and the Boston Massacre. Some critics have pointed out that we have killed an estimated 30,000 innocent Iraqi civilians, which is more than ten times the number killed on 9/11. I say that these critics are cowards who cannot fathom that Al Qaeda will never be completely defeated until we have pumped the last drop of oil from Iraqi soil. Only then can we say "Mission Accomplished." Aww, shit. I mean, only then can we say "We're Done, Who's Next?"

This administration has also had many victories here at home. Just yesterday, one of my employers, ExxonMobil declared another record breaking quarter, in a record breaking year. In fact, it was the largest profit ever recorded by a US corporation. Similar results are expected from Chevron and ConocoPhillips. This just demonstrates that concepts like oligopolic price manipulation and manufactured shortages are the cornerstones of the New Economy.

Our educational policies have also been paying handsome dividends. It is estimated that we now have the stupidest population in the history of this great nation. As it stands now, 90% of the US public will believe anything, so long as it comes out of their television. As a testament our successes in this field, I can state with certainty that the majority of our citizens are watching Dog the Bounty Hunter, as I speak. This ignorance is our greatest civic asset, but we must do more. Only when every red state republican has voted to give his job to a quasi-legal alien, will our work be done.

Energy is proving to be a growing concern for this nation. Quite franky, we are addicted to oil. (Gimme a high-five, Dick and Condi) Oil is the lifeblood of our economy, without it, well, we'd have no lifeblood in our economy. And our cars wouldn't go. Consequently, the investigation of alternative fuel sources is critical to future growth. Thus, I have empowered the Department of Energy to buy and deep-six any promising alternative energy patents that might emerge. Meanwhile, my friends at Chevron and ExxonMobil are going to ride this Peak Oil profit rocket to the moon.
Godamnit Dick, knock off the cartwheels, we're on TV here. I apologize for the Vice President, ladies and gentlemen, ever since he learned that the Saudis have been fibbing and don't really have any spare capacity left, he has been in a incessant state of giddiness.

Another matter that demands our full attention is the impending Social Security crisis. By the year 2032 all American citizens over the age of 65 will be forced to share one can of Alpo daily, unless my Social Security reforms are enacted. In 2005, we introduced our plan and it met with resistance in Congress and in public. This year, I will reintroduce the issue of privatizing Social Security because it is the only fair plan. Morgan Stanley, Merrill Lynch, and Goldman Sachs were some of the largest contributors to my presidential campaign. They certainly weren't contributing out of the goodness of their hearts. They've bought and paid for privatized Social Security, so it's only fair that we deliver. Only with privatized personal accounts, can we generate another stock market bubble, similar to the internet/401K bubble of the 1990s. Bubble economics are another cornerstone of the New Economy, as they mask the fact the fact that jobs and resources are leaving this country at an unmatched rate.

Also, we need to make American competitve again. I don't mean that we need have companies competing against each other because that hurts profits. That's why we have mega-mergers. What I mean is that we need to increase the level of competition that American worker faces. It is not sufficient that he must compete with a 12-year old factory worker in Honduras making 22 cents and hour. We must bring the Honduran 12-year olds here, as guest workers, so that our industries will never again be troubled with relocating their factories. The neo-conservative dream of restoring hourly wages to minimum wage levels can and will be achieved in this decade.

In closing, I have to say that I'm proud of this country and what we have accomplished. But we have much more to do. We owe it to the people to stay the course in our foreign and domestic agendas. My dream is that one day an American dad can say to his son, with a tear in his eye, "Son, go ask that Mexican if he needs his toilet cleaned. He looks like he has a job." Until then, thank you, God bless public stupidity and God bless my campaign contributors.