Why I Sould Never Be Allowed to Manage Anything
While working, I often find myself thinking, "If I was in senior management I would do...." Therefore, I have compiled a list of managerial initiatives that I would implement if I were in charge. Of course, most of these shortcomings aren't particular to my workplace, so if you are in management, feel free to use any of my leadership techniques liberally.
I recognize that it interpersonal communication is a normal part of the working process. However, for some employees, work serves as their primary social outlet. Thus, each employee would be furnished with a Motivational Collar to help them stay on task. Whenever an employee was overheard talking about their wife's shortcomings, what they saw on TV last night, or who is banging the new girl in advertising, a gentle 1200V reminder to get back on task would be issued.
All men's room toilets would be replaced with urinals. I think that this would eliminate large periods of unproductivity for many employees. This is particularly true of people who like to take newspapers, magazines or War and Peace in with them. Additionally, it would eliminate a potentially traumatic situation for other employees. Of course, I realize that occasionally situations arise that are beyond one's gastrointestinal control. Thus, I would have make one commode available for employees, which would available for emergencies.
The blue thing is a port-a-pot and, of course, I'd be operating the crane controls.
The average American employee is estimated to hold 11.7 jobs during there working years. Employee turnover has become accepted in contemporary corporate culture. Termination no longer holds the stigma that it once did. Typically, when an employee is discharged, they are quietly escorted out at the end of the day. Their coworkers are left in a depressed funk, wondering about the demise of their coworker. Consequently, I would modify the employee termination procedure to put the fun back into the process. And the firing back into firing.
I believe that productive employees should be recognized and rewarded. Thus, I would initiate an Employee of the Month program. Each month an employee who showed initiative, diligence and team spirit would be recognized publicly. Additionally, the Employee of the Month would get their own parking space, their name on a plaque, a free vacation day, and 120% of their pay for the month. I believe that this would create sufficient initiative amongst the ranks to inspire good work habits.
I would also implement an Other Employee of the Month, for those who have demonstrated that there is room for improvement in their performance. Although, their would be no plaque or temporary pay raise, they would receive a hat which would tell everyone, "I may not be the best today, but I will get there."
These are just a few of the of the ideas that I've come up with to maximize employee morale and efficiency. I think it is clear that my management initiatives are the epitomy of "thinking outside the box." Unless, of course, your lunch disagrees with you.