Thursday, June 29, 2006

Nail That Interview

A critical part of the job hunting process is the interview. This is when the prospective employee and employer really get to size each other up. In order to stand out from the other candidates, it's important that you are mentally prepared for the interview. Fortunately, as a service to you, I have provided a list of common interview questions and answers that you can give to ensure that you get noticed.

Q: How do you feel about overtime?
A: Probably about the same way that you feel about compensating people for overtime.

Q: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
A: Some decisions are out of our hands. By the way, do you give time off for parole hearings?

Q: Why are manhole covers round?
A: When you say "manhole cover," that's slang for maxi-pads, right?

Q: What is your greatest asset?
A: The ability to deal with assclowns, without ever letting them know that I think that they are assclowns. See, I'm doing it now.

Q: What are you passionate about?
A: Payday.

Q: What would your previous managers say about you?
A: That the resemblance between myself and their youngest child is disturbingly striking.

Q: Do you like to think "outside of the box?"
A: Not particularly. I try to get in "the box" as much as possible.

Q: How do you deal with difficult people?

A: I've found that most "difficult" people aren't actually that difficult, once you get to know them. A well placed kick in the nuts is a great icebreaker.

Q: Why do you think that you are the best candidate for the job?
A: Because I have naked pictures of you and I'm thinking about posting them on my website.

Q: Do you have a favorite hobby?
A: Bedwetting, although I think of it more as a way of life.

Q: Can you give an example where you were part of a team?
A: Are you familiar with the phrase, "Running a train?" It's a whole lot like tag team wrestling, but different.

Q: What is your greatest accomplishment?
A: I once removed a bra using nothing but my teeth. I can demonstrate, if necessary.

Q: What is your greatest weakness?
A: I tend to accept job interviews from douchebags. You'd think I'd have learned by now, but alas, here we are.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Only You Can Prevent Trouser Fires

Today, I outdid myself. Overnight, the electricity to my apartment must have temporarily gone out. Thus, I woke up at 8:30 AM to an alarm clock blinking 12:00. We are supposed to start working at 8:00 AM, so I was already late. I got into the shower with the feeling that I was forgetting something. Regardless, I showered and went to get dressed when I realized that I'd forgotten to transfer a load of laundry from the washer to the dryer. Unfortunately, my laundry system is still recovering from the two weeks when I was out of town, so this load contained the only clean boxers that I had. I didn't have time to put the boxers in the dryer, but I didn't want to go commando.

I happened to remember that microwave ovens work primarily on water molecules. Thus, I decided to stick a wet pair of boxers in the microwave for one minute. It worked well, steam was visibly radiating from the underwear. So, I tried two minutes with even better results. And then two more minutes. I could feel the fabric getting noticeably drier. Thus, I figured 6 minutes would take care of the entire problem. Wrong. Let's just say the boys were swinging freely today.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Please Follow Instructions

As you may know, Mightonimous "Mighty" Dyckerson is the father of The Mighty Blog, countless illegitimate livestock, and Dyckerson Enterprises Worldwide, which is a trusted name in the Amish homoerotic publishing industry. Clearly, Dyckerson is a busy man. When he graciously takes time out of his busy schedule to perform a public service, we should take heed.

In an effort to make the Internets a safer place for you and your children, Dyckerson has taken it upon himself to create a foolproof security screening procedure, which is bound to become a model for the blogosphere. Dyckerson outlines his vision in a post entitled Safety First! To wit:

Blogger security is a fucking joke - anyone can register using bogus information. So I have no choice to put my own safeguards in place. Therefore, I am asking all of my female readers to submit to a thorough screening process to verify your ages and identities......

Dyckerson goes on to lay out a multi-pronged identity verification scheme, much of which is beyond the scope of this discussion. However, I did find Step 3, which requires a photographic submission, to be particularly relevant:

....(3) A nude photograph of yourself - I can't have my male readers wasting their time lusting after some she-male transvestite, now can I?

Folks, we're not building rockets here. In my mind, this directive is straightforward and can be summarized by the following equality: NAKED PICTURES TO DYCKERSON = SAFE INTERNET. Nevertheless, some of you can't seem to understand such a simple instruction.
After all, Dyckerson is only looking for your safety. Thus, at the risk of alienating my readers, I feel compelled to take this opportunity to admonish some of you. Please, just follow his instructions and do what he asks, so that we can prevent security missteps like this:

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Hallmark MacGyver

As I have mentioned before, my father and I aren't particularly enthusiastic about holidays. Particularly when it comes to exchanging greetings card. We traditionally exchange previously used cards, where we have replaced the prior sender's writing with our own. For instance, here is the last birthday card that I sent to him.

Today, I realized that Father's Day is this upcoming Sunday. It's Wednesday night and I'm in my hotel room in Minnesota. Thus, there is no way that I can wait until I return to Baltimore to mail his card and have any hope of having it arrive on time. I'm left with little choice but to come up with a card while I'm out here. I couldn't bear the thought of breaking tradition by buying a new card, so here is my solution.

Translator Required

I used to think that I spoke English. Not perfect English, mind you, but I always felt that if I had to communicate with someone from another English-speaking nation, I could do so. What I've found is that this may still be true, so long as that person isn't from England.

This week, I am in Minnesota on business and I am working closely with an English engineer. On the whole, he's pretty sharp, but I'm never really sure what the hell he's talking about. While I understand the words that he speaks, the context in which he uses them eludes me. Here are some examples:

-"We need a 3 cored cable." Cores, in the UK, are apparently wires.

-"Do you have a spanner?" Adjustable wrench.

-"He's gone off to have a fag." It seems that smoking and homosexuality are closely linked in England.

-"It seems to have gone a bit wobbly." It's fucked.

-"It's right dodgy in the main." It's completely fucked.

-"Will you have a bang it?" He looked confused when I declined on the grounds that I was saving myself for marriage.

-"I was just taking the piss out of him." I draw the line at do-it-yourself dialysis.

-"He's a bit off his head, today." English people are so polite. This is how they say that someone has their head up their ass.

-"He can get right stroppy." I believe that this is a polite way of saying that someone is an assclown.

-"I'll knock you up at half past 7." I found the ramifications of this statement rather ominous. It turns out that he merely intended to knock on my door at 7:30, which was fortunate because I was fresh out of Deprovera.

I have to say that some of this British civility is wearing off on me. Yesterday, he burned up a motor that is critical to the machine that we're working on. Of course, the motor is made in Turkey and can't be obtained in the US, which means that I won't be leaving early and will probably have to return in 2 weeks. Nevertheless, instead of saying, "Holy shit. How in the hell did you manage to incinerate the least replaceable component on the entire fucking machine?," all I said was, "It's OK. It was acting dodgy, anyway."

Sunday, June 11, 2006


Over the last nine months, I've noticed a distinct pattern in the blogosphere. When a blog begins to "die" the symptoms are fairly predictable. First, the posts become increasingly less intelligible and/or funny. Next, the frequency of posting decreases, until, finally, the blog goes into permanent limbo. I attribute this process to the blogger realizing the internet's true purpose, which is seeking out naked Janet Reno videos.

If you want to see an example of this, all you have to do is look at the past 6 weeks of posts on this blog. However, it is not my intention to kill Assclownopolis (at this time, anyway). As you might have inferred from the last 4 weeks of my incessant bitching, like a two-twatted sissified Nancy-boy, is that I've been working insane hours. Since I really can't remember my last day off, I haven't had time to read blogs or post here. However, I can foresee a date where I won't have to "burn the candle at both ends." This will occur in approximately 2 weeks or whenever I quit adulterating my Depends with tabasco, whichever comes first.

With that in mind, I will be out of town on business from 6/11 until 6/24. These trips will be hellish, so posts will be minimal and probably consist of pleas for a quick death/hard drugs. Consequently, if I were you, I wouldn't bother visiting this blog, until, say, the end of June. While some of you find it pretentious when a blogger announces a prolonged absence, that's too bad. Besides, think of the electricity you will save in unwasted clicks. With the 72% increase/assraping looming, every electron counts.

Moreover, in addition to ignoring my blog and yours, I have something new on the internet to ignore. That's right, I have entered the domain of Digital Douchality and have created a MySpace account. Actually, I've have it since the Catonsville Myspace murder in January, but I've kept it because you can't read or comment on there without one. Actually, that's not exactly true; I have it because I'm trolling for stupid chicks whose idea of high tech is animated GIFs, which seems to describe 50% of MySpace users. If you fit the criteria I have listed there, be sure to add me as your friend immediately.

In closing, I will leave you with something that is uplifting and truly inspirational. Some refer to these as the Eighth Wonder of the World, others a National Treasure, but I like to call them: My Fabulous Nuts. These aren't any ordinary nuts, mind you. In fact, only the largest of sacks is capable of containing such marvels:

And here is one of the many, appreciative fans reveling in the glory of my nuts:

In the spirit of generosity, I probably ought to turn these into animated GIFs for newfound MySpace friends.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Happy Satan Day

I don't attribute much biblical significance to the date, as I don't attribute much significance to the Bible. Nevertheless, Revelations 13:16-18 states:

Also it causes all, both small and great, both rich and poor, both free and slave, to be marked on the right hand or the forehead, so that no one can buy or sell who does not have the mark, that is, the name of the beast or the number of his name. This calls for wisdom: let him who hath understanding reckon the number of the beast, for it is a human number. Its number is six threescore six.

Personally, I view Christianity as a fairy tale that has gone horribly awry. However, it occurred to me today that the average US credit score is 667, which is a whole lot like 666. Wouldn't that just suck if the Christians were actually right?

Monday, June 05, 2006


Let's say you are a manager and you have an employee that has been busting his ass. Let's say your employee has been working 50-60 hour weeks, with absolutely no extra compensation and only took 3 days off in May (none of which were on the Memorial Day holiday). Do you:

A. Figure out how to get him a sigificant raise?
B. Give him some bonus vacation days?
C. Figure out how to reduce his workload, so that it matches his coworkers'?
D. Schedule him for an out-of-state equipment installation from Saturday to Wednesday, that
also includes Sunday?