Nail That Interview
A critical part of the job hunting process is the interview. This is when the prospective employee and employer really get to size each other up. In order to stand out from the other candidates, it's important that you are mentally prepared for the interview. Fortunately, as a service to you, I have provided a list of common interview questions and answers that you can give to ensure that you get noticed.
Q: How do you feel about overtime?
A: Probably about the same way that you feel about compensating people for overtime.
Q: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
A: Some decisions are out of our hands. By the way, do you give time off for parole hearings?
Q: Why are manhole covers round?
A: When you say "manhole cover," that's slang for maxi-pads, right?
Q: What is your greatest asset?
A: The ability to deal with assclowns, without ever letting them know that I think that they are assclowns. See, I'm doing it now.
Q: What are you passionate about?
Q: What would your previous managers say about you?
A: That the resemblance between myself and their youngest child is disturbingly striking.
Q: Do you like to think "outside of the box?"
A: Not particularly. I try to get in "the box" as much as possible.
Q: How do you deal with difficult people?
A: I've found that most "difficult" people aren't actually that difficult, once you get to know them. A well placed kick in the nuts is a great icebreaker.
Q: Why do you think that you are the best candidate for the job?
A: Because I have naked pictures of you and I'm thinking about posting them on my website.
Q: Do you have a favorite hobby?
A: Bedwetting, although I think of it more as a way of life.
Q: Can you give an example where you were part of a team?
A: Are you familiar with the phrase, "Running a train?" It's a whole lot like tag team wrestling, but different.
Q: What is your greatest accomplishment?
A: I once removed a bra using nothing but my teeth. I can demonstrate, if necessary.
Q: What is your greatest weakness?
A: I tend to accept job interviews from douchebags. You'd think I'd have learned by now, but alas, here we are.