Napolean's Last Campaign
Over the weekend, I had an enlightening conversation with a woman about the male psyche. Her theory was that most men suffer from multiple personality disorder. She stated that the first personality is controlled by the brain and the second is run by a part of the male anatomy known as the Little General. She went on to say that during dating the Little General is in command until intimate relations take place. It is during this phase that the male appears to be charming, charismatic, and romantic. Once the horizontal hokey-pokey has been achieved, she claimed that the man's real personality emerges, usually with a cavalcade of belching and flatulence. Her agitation grew visible as she described her frustration with this phenomenon, but I couldn't think of any soothing words. In fact, if you ever find yourself involved in a similar conversation, believe me when I tell you that the proper response is not: "So, I guess this means that a blowjob is out of the question?"
After I left, I pondered her theory because I had to admit that it had some merit. I have always known that most guys act differently when they first meet someone, as do many women. But, I had never considered the possibility that the Little General had unrestricted autonomy. This lead me to conduct a detailed appraisal of past behaviors to determine whether there had been occasions when the Little General had usurped complete control. The results were disturbing, to say the least:
1. The Little General has caused me to exaggerate slightly while conversing with women. Therefore, I hereby apologize to any ladies out there who are under the mistaken impression that I am the King of England, John Holmes' long lost twin, or the inventor of the female orgasm. While I do hold multiple patents on the latter claim, I didn't actually create it.
2. The Little General has joined a local knitting circle. Apparently, he has been a long time member because I found all sorts of little scarves, hats, and jackets that he has made himself. As I am need of a new set of pot holders, I am inclined to allow this to continue for the time being.
3. The Little General filed my taxes for me this year. I found his arithmetic to be flawless and I must admit that he does have a keen eye for qualified deductions. However, I did find some troubling items. Specifically, I'm thinking that writing, "Just try and screw with this, you candy-assed nancyboys" on the face of the tax return in red crayon is not the shrewdest of tax strategies. It's all fun and games until someone is calling you their prison bitch.
4. The Little General has been negotiating with foreign governments without my consent. Not only am I legally bound to a 15 year mutual defense treaty with Guatemala, but he also signed an agricultural trade agreement. Thus, there will be serious diplomatic and legal reprecussions if I can't deliver 35 million bushels of winter wheat to South America by June 1st. As I look around my apartment, I'm beginning to fear that I may come up a little light. On the bright side, at least someone got something out of the Spanish class that I took last semester.
5. The Little General has taken the liberty of changing my will and final arrangements. I have found that my estate is split evenly between The Lusty Lady Gentleman's Club and "that double-jointed ex-gymnast from Topeka." Although I wholeheartedly agree that some type of memorial is deserved for the ex-gymnast, I was thinking more along the lines of a new bridge or renaming a planet after her. Also, as part of my final wishes, I had directed my estate to perform cremation. I had specified that the ashes were to be used to cut a pound of pure cocaine, so that my friends and I can make parallel heavenly ascents. Thus, you can imagine my disappointment when I found that the Little General had surreptitiously arranged for this:
In retrospect, I may have been a little harsh in dismissing the woman in such a rude manner. She did open my eyes to an aspect of my psyche that was not receiving nearly enough diligence. Time permitting, I have every intention of unceremoniously demoting the Little General. For now, that will have to wait until I've prepared for the IRS audit that I feel is imminent. So, if you happen to know any good tax defense attorneys, let me know. And by all means, send any spare wheat that you might have lying about.