Every now and again, I will be struck be a idea which is pure genius. In this case, my masterstroke involved the invention of a new form of illumination that can easily be adapted for household use. Basically, the device consists of a thin tungsten wire (or filament, as I like to call it) that is used to conduct electricity in a transparent medium that has been filled with an inert gas. As the current passes through this wire, it will glow and, consequently, emit light. I realize that this may be difficult to visualize so I have included a sketch for reference:
Obviously, I want to legally protect this idea to ensure that nobody else copies it. In order to form the basis of my legal claim, I have to demonstrate that this is, indeed, a novel concept. Thus, I went to the website of the US Patent and Trademark Office, which features an online search engine that allows users to research existing patents as far back as 1976. I was ecstatic to find that when I searched using keywords like lighttube, brightness maker, and magic darkness reverser, nobody had filed a claim. It is clear to me that I am destined to be mentioned in the same breath as other great inventors like Eli Whitney-cotton gin, Henry Ford-the modern assembly line, and Thomas Edison-the water bong.
An interesting aside arose from all of this research. In the interest of diligence, I tried every combination of synonym that I could think of that might be used to describe my invention. As a result, when I entered the phrase anal missile launcher, I discovered U.S. Patent 6,055,910, which is entitled: Toy gas fired missile launcher assembly. The abstract for this invention is as follows:
A toy gas-fired missile and launcher assembly whose missile is composed of a soft head and a tail extending therefrom formed by a piston. The piston is telescoped into the barrel of a launcher having a closed end on which is mounted an electrically-activated ignitor, the air space between the end of the piston and the closed end of the barrel defining a combustion chamber. Joined to the barrel and communicating with the chamber therein is a gas intake tube having a normally-closed inlet valve. To operate the assembly, the operator places the inlet tube with its valve open adjacent his anal region from which a colonic gas is discharged. The piston is then withdrawn to a degree producing a negative pressure to inhale the gas into the combustion chamber to intermix with the air therein to create a combustible mixture. The ignitor is then activated to explode the mixture in the chamber and fire the missile into space.
And here are the inventor's schematics: