My Boss, the Accidental Comedian

I'm due overdue for my annual salary review at work. Somehow it has been decided that a copy of my resume was required for the process. Since they have lost my original resume, I was asked to provide one. I forwarded it to my boss and recieved this e-mail:

-----Original Message-----
From: TFG's Boss
Sent: Monday, August 28, 2006 5:00 PM
To: TFG
Subject: RE: Emailing: resume-TFG.pdf

Thanks, you didn't have to update your resume for me.

The funny part is that he was being serious.

No Screw You Letter?

Several weeks ago I applied for a job in Indianapolis. After several successful phone interviews, they decided they wanted to interview me, in person, at their "Corporate Headquarters" outside of Detroit. So, two weeks ago, I took a day off and flew to Detroit. The rental car lots are all off site, so I had to take a shuttle from the airport to get my rental. As soon as I got on the shuttle, I realized that the driver was a bit touched in the head. He handed me a printed weather report and commenced a 15 minute lecture about Detroit weather. Every so often, I'd interject with comments like, "Are you going to stop for the red light?" and "We just passed the car lot." As I got off of the van, he was still babbling on about average windchills or some such silliness.

I got the car and drove to the company. Before I even parked, I knew I didn't want to work there. This was compounded by the fact that the job was really in Detroit, not Indianapolis, as advertised. I'd sooner rent out my posterior as a Habitrail, then live in Detroit. The engineering manager turned out to be an arrogant assclown, who acted like they were building lunar rockets. In actuality, just about everything I saw was obsolete and generally shitty. He talked about using Visual Basic and Java like it was some kind of distant dream. In fact, the only redeeming quality of the company was that their benefit plan seemed to cover breast augmentation on a generous scale, but it just wasn't enough.

Although I couldn't get out of there fast enough, I acted impressed with their company. While they were talking about my prospective duties, I was mentally booking myself standby on the next plane back to Baltimore. Finally, the nightmare was over and the HR manager gave me her card, while telling me she'd call later in the week. I hauled ass back to the rental car lot and, sure enough, my buddy was still driving the shuttle. This time, we had the following conversation:

Goofball: What do you do?
Me: I'm an engineer. I work in automation.
Goofball: Like PLC programming?
Me: (astonished): Just like PLC programming.
Goofball: I have a friend who is a PLC programmer. I'm teaching myself Visual Basic. After that I'm going to learn SQL and Java.
Me: How far along are you in VB?
Goofball: I've been learning it for 3 months. I'm just finishing the different types of variables. (In other words, not too far along. This guy had about the same chance of success in programming that I have in sensitivity coaching.)
Me: Perfect. I just went to a job interview at Assclown Industries. They said that they were looking for people who know VB. Here are the HR manager's and engineering manager's cards. I won't be needing them. You should give them a call because they could really use someone like you.
Goofball: Thanks. I'll call them when I get off at 3.
Me: Good thinking.

It's almost unheard of for a company to not send a "Thanks, but no thanks" letter to candidates that are interviewed but not hired. It's been over two weeks with no letter, so I'm guessing that my new friend made a real impression on the HR manager.

Dream Job

Earlier today I was perusing Money magazine's list of 100 best employers. I was more than a little disappointed to see that my current employer, Rent-A-Retard, didn't make the list. Nevertheless, I did hit paydirt when I found this:

Obviously, the prospect of working for a Fortune 500 company that is riding the 17 year patent protection/price-fixing profit rocket must be more lucrative than my current position. This is further compounded by the fact that they provide free Pap smears. Sure, I'm currently saving a bundle by been buying them in bulk from local garage sales. Nevertheless, the surplus in my Pap smear budget will allow me to build a home theatre to showcase my new video collection:

Now before you start posting your typical rude and derogatory comments, remember: If you play your cards right, you might get invited to an advanced screening of Not So Fantastic Voyage.

Jesus, You Wankers Are Still Reading This.

Much like herpes, I come and go but you can't get rid of me. So, where I have been for the last 2 months? Well, you won't be surprised to learn that I was kidnapped and forced into sexual servitude by a busload wagonload of Mennonite dominatrixes. I will spare you the sordid details, but I can tell you that I'll never be able to look at a butter churn without becoming somewhat aroused.

Alright, except for the butter churn part, I made that up. Since mid-June, I have been to the following places:

1. Minneapolis
2. Chicago
3. Kansas City
4. Philadelphia
5. Detroit
6. Minneapolis (again)
7. Salina, KS

In addition to being gone over 50% of the time, I've been teaching myself some new work skills, avidly job hunting, and, of course, aggressively expanding my celebrity nosehair collection. In other words, I've been busier than All Balls and I know I don't have to tell you how busy that is.

So, you are probably asking yourself, "Who cares?," "What does this mean for me?," and "Did I mix up the Fixodent with the Vagisil, again?" Well, I don't I have all the answers, but I can state the following with confidence:

1. There will definitely be an improvement on this blog with respect to regularity. I'm not insinuating that I will post more often, but I will be taking my Metamucil daily.

2. I am going to make a concerted effort to avoid using dick jokes to be humorous. Instead, I'm going to take the high road and only tell purple-headed-yogurt-slinger jokes. I'm sure we can agree that the ascent in sophistication is already evident.

3. I will resume my tireless quest to father Cham Green's lovechild high atop the Lake Roland dam on a moonless midnight.

4. Do something else. I can't really recall what it is, but I'm sure it was important and I think it might have involved penicillin. I'll have to get back to you on this one.

Clearly, I have my work cut out for me. This is where you come in. If you happen to know anyone looking to hire an experienced engineer, who has excellent design and programming skills, for a starring role in their amateur adult film production, by all means let me know.